And After
by Rhionae
Summary: Quatre changes his relationship with Trowa. Set after the end of the series using the novel ending. Shounen ai
1. Quatre

This fic contains shounen ai, slash, whatever you want to call it. 

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Bandai and whoever else - but certainly not me. :p   


And After - Quatre

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It had been two years. 

I leaned my head against the wall as I stared out through the portal. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the red planet below as we circled high in orbit around it. The view was one that I had enjoyed from the first moment we had arrived here at Mars as part of the terraforming crew, two years ago. 

Two years ago. 

It had been rather hectic at first, setting up the temporary stations that would be our homes for the next ten years, and starting the careful blasting that would steer the planet into an orbit in which it could more readily support life. To support life - those were the words that had first caught my attention when the draft of the Mars Terraforming Project had crossed my desk. They were words that touched my heart, making me feel as though here at last was a cause truly worth the fight - and this fight, unlike so many others I have fought, was one with nature rather than with other men. This fight would not result in such a needless waste of life; on the contrary, it would nurture it, coaxing it to be in places where it could not exist before. 

This was something I could truly believe in. 

The others must have felt similarly, for they were just as eager as I to take the shuttle bound for this beautiful but barren red planet. We would help cure its barrenness, we would create life rather than take it away. It would be a new beginning for us all. Only it wasn't. Not for me, anyway - not quite. 

It wasn't until those first few months had passed that any of us found time to really think about our situations. Duo barely had any time at all before Hilde turned up and proceeded to take over his life. Not that he was at all unhappy about it. She gave him a focus in life, one not lost to violence, one that would not be lost - much like Relena was for Heero, for us all. 

Heero never speaks of her, but I've caught him staring through Duo and Hilde when they are together, with what for him would be an open smile. I treasure that smile for the hope it gives me: if even Heero, harshly carved to fit the mold of a soldier, if even he can be redeemed to the ways of peace by love, then surely - 

"Quatre?" 

I blinked, startled to find myself staring at the darkened surface of Mars. Cold, bleak and lifeless - for the moment. Warm hands settled lightly on my shoulders. 

"So dark - and yet there is such potential," a familiar voice murmured softly. I focused on the pale reflection before us and smiled up at Sally, who was gazing out over my shoulder. 

"Indeed," I replied. "But not all potentials are realized." 

She laughed. "Some just need a little more work than others." 

I turned my head to glance up at her curiously. She smiled kindly, then sat down beside me. 

"You are very patient, Quatre – yet there are some things that no amount of waiting will bring you. I'm speaking from personal experience here." She quirked her lips at this, and I had to smile even as I rested my cheek against the cool metal wall once more, hoping for it to draw the mild heat from my flushed face. 

Sally had followed Wufei here a few months before, much as Hilde had followed Duo, only no-one had realized it at the time; not until Wufei had changed practically overnight from an uncertain boy searching for a purpose in life to a self-confidant young man. 

Wufei had changed – had been changed – and for the better. Duo had learned to love and be loved. Heero was learning to smile. What had I learned? 

I sighed as I looked away from Sally's piercing eyes. I had learned that Trowa would never make the first move. _Idiot,_ I thought, not knowing whether I meant Trowa or myself. 

"You sound almost like Iria," I half-smiled. It was all I needed right now – more sisterly advice. The Manganacs were almost as bad. At least I had convinced them not to call more than four times a week, although that feat had taken over a year to accomplish. 

"Except she would not be so direct, hmmm?" I raised my eyebrow at the twinkle in her eye. "She asked me to have a word with you," she informed me, and laughed as I groaned. 

"I know what I'm doing," I muttered. 

"And what is that?" she asked. 

I sighed ruefully. "Absolutely nothing," I admitted. She shook her head. 

"You need to do something, Quatre, because – " 

"I know, I know: he _won't_." 

"Is that what's bothering you? Having to be the leader once again?" 

I looked up sharply at that. "No – yes – I don't –" 

She didn't speak, simply gazed at me calmly. I could see how Wufei had altered so suddenly, beneath those unyielding eyes. I admired Sally very much, we all did; although only a few years older than us she had not faltered in her beliefs throughout the war. Nor had they altered now. 

"I'll talk to him," I sighed, nodding my acquiescence. "Or something." 

"'Or something' sounds about right," she laughed impishly as she stood, and walked off leaving me blushing as red as the planet below. 

I waited only long enough for my cheeks to stop burning before I left the corner of the common room, knowing that if I didn't move now I never would. I pondered Sally's question as I headed down the corridor. Was I truly afraid of taking the lead in my (currently non-existent) relationship with Trowa? Was that why I had waited so long, so uselessly? 

_Idiot!_ I thought again, this time knowing it was me who had been foolish. We weren't children any more, not even children forced to act like adults. We _were_ adults, or close to it; and yet I had been better at making decisions in those days gone by. How ridiculous! 

Ridiculous. I came to a dead stop just a few steps from the door to his room. I had had mixed feelings about our room placements, which were practically on opposite sides of the station. On the one hand, I didn't have to put up with the torture of seeing Trowa everyday without having a single word to say to him. On the other hand, I didn't get to see Trowa everyday without having to say a word. We saw each other frequently, but not too frequently. I suppose it was an almost ideal situation for a romantic suffering from unrequited love; but I was fairly sure he returned at least some of my feelings for him. So why didn't he act?! 

_Idiot!_ I accused myself for the third time in the space of an hour, and marched up to his door. It was unlocked, so I let myself in. Then I locked it from the other side. 

Trowa was sitting at his desk, going through some files for the Project on his computer. I crossed the room to stand at his side, calling his name to let him know I was there. He didn't even look up. 

"Yes, Quatre?" His voice was even as always, showing no emotion besides a distracted kind of flat curiosity. I knew better than to believe his tone of voice, but it set my heart racing so that I was unsure if I could manage to speak without stuttering. 

"I came here to tell you something," I told him, immensely relieved that my voice at least did not tremble. My hands were another story. 

He swirled his chair around to face me, tilting his head up to look me in the eye, raising one eyebrow in an unspoken question. 

"I love you," I informed him, then took full advantage of his upturned face and kissed him thoroughly.   
January '99 

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[MirrorForest - http://www.geocities.com/rhionae/ ][rhionae@hotmail.com] 

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	2. Trowa

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Bandai and whoever else - but certainly not me. :p   


And After – Trowa

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"It's slightly out," Heero informed me succinctly, watching his monitor with unwavering eyes. I double-checked the program, but the results came out the same. 

"We'll have to adjust the next series of detonations taking the deviation into account," I told him, and he nodded in reply. 

As we completed our simulation runs for the day I considered the planet whose orbit we were so casually rearranging to suit the needs of humans. As humans see it, it is currently a waste of space that could be more advantageously utilised, hence our current mission. We would turn this planet into a carefully managed resource, for the good of all humanity. 

It reminded me of the five of us. 

We were all trained to be soldiers, to fight for the colonies. We were managed and manipulated at every turn by those we met, and yet we emerged from the war with the peace we were taught to crave. The peace in which we had no part, no place. 

I have spent so much of my life fighting that were it not for my loss of memory I would have no real idea of what it meant to people. As a Gundam pilot I knew no other way of life, but as Catherine's little brother I could see, as a child should see, the hope and happiness that the word 'peace' implied. 

Two years had passed, and Relena Peacecraft's vision of peace had taken hold in communities all throughout the colonies and on Earth – and we provided the glue that bound the people together. Everyone looked to the Mars Project to see the prime example of all the disparate factions working together for the common good. The war is over, but we still fight; yet are we still soldiers? 

I glanced across at Heero as I prepared to sign off for the day. He was smiling, his eyes soft as they appeared to focus on something other than the screen in front of him. He blinked, and met my stare evenly, the smile falling from his face. The softness, however, lingered. 

"I'll be away for the next few days," he informed me. 

"Ah." I did not need to ask where he was going. Relena had been on Earth for the past few months, since before our last set of detonations. The next set would begin in a week, and there would be no spare time then as we worked to ensure that there were no mishaps. Heero deserved some time off, and over the last couple of years he had learned to actually take that time. He at least had a use for it. 

I finished logging off, and stood, walking towards the door. 

"Trowa?" I paused, and turned partially back to face him. "Why don't you take a few days off, yourself? Perhaps you could take Quatre down to Earth. I believe that Catherine's circus is performing there at the moment." 

I stared at him for a long minute. The thought of seeing Catherine seemed to be a good one, as I had not seen her in the flesh for several months. I missed having my sister around, having someone who cared for me close by. I missed the lions, too. But Quatre… 

A hand fell upon my shoulder and I blinked, repressing the desire to lash out with my feet and hands as I found myself staring directly into Heero's blue eyes. He didn't say a word, but then he didn't need to. I remembered his words from so long ago. 

_Humans should act in accordance with their feelings._

He released my shoulder from his grip, and continued past me out the door. Perhaps humans should act in such a manner – but was I so human? I have been little more than a machine for most of my life, churning out results like the computers we used for the simulations. 

Yet I have feelings. 

I turned slowly and let my feet carry me back to my solitary room, a haven from those who sought to alter my life – yet not from the emotions that cut at my heart. I sat down at my desk, pulling up the schedule for the detonations, and stared blankly at the screen in front of me, unable to concentrate on the Project. 

I had feelings; but I wished I did not. At least, not such feelings about Quatre. 

He had almost killed me once, but that was not what made my heart ache. He had called a truce, and named me an ally in our first battle together on Earth, but that was not what made him my friend. He had seen the good in people and drawn it out, but that was not what made me admire him. 

Because of Quatre, I could remember. That first day, his fingers pressed against metal strings while his bow flew across them drawing out the beautiful sounds and my memories alike… Because of him I was able to remember what I had forgotten, a few short years of happiness in my youth. There was an old lady who played the flute, whom I watched carefully as she taught some older children, whom I discovered later in a pool of blood beside her twisted flute. Actually, I had always remembered that last image. The horror I felt then was simply dulled over the years until it held no more significance than the images of the countless other corpses I saw as I grew older. 

Quatre brought the meaning back to me, when he played his violin. He brought back the terror at finding the kind old lady who had taken care of us at the orphanage so broken and defiled, warm and yet lifeless. He restored my shame at not being able to help her, my regret, my sorrow – and he played her music. Unhappy memories flooded back to me, but I had plenty of those already, and was accustomed to their weight on my soul. What I was unprepared for was the joyous times that also filled my head, and the happiness that I had once felt, as I was held in the arms of one who loved me. 

That one precious memory of being held, being loved made me _feel_ once more, and for a moment I was not a machine. I treasured that memory, the gift that Quatre had unknowingly given me, for with it he had shown me that I had once had a soul. It was for that reason that I had to guide him back to his own, when he was momentarily lost to the Zero System. He almost killed me for it, and I would have welcomed such a sweet end to this agony of life as a second gift from his hands. 

Instead he gave me back my memories, my past once more; he gave me – 

The door clicked open behind me, letting in a soft gush of air, then clicked shut once more. I knew instinctively that it was him, my instincts confirmed when he spoke my name. 

"Yes, Quatre?" I kept my eyes directed towards the screen, lest he see in them the confusion his appearance had created in my heart. 

"I came here to tell you something," he stated calmly, his normally gentle voice firm with conviction. Uncertain, I turned to face him. 

"I love you." 

The words didn't make any sense to me. It simply wasn't possible. Friendship perhaps, but love? I had never dared hold such hopes. The old flautist had loved me, but she had loved all her children, and she had died for us all. Catherine cared for me, but not in such a way as to lead her to kiss me as Quatre was kissing me… 

I blinked. 

Quatre was kissing me. 

His eyes were closed. 

I was kissing him. 

His eyes opened. 

He drew back slowly, never letting his eyes leave mine. "I love you, Trowa," he repeated. Somehow by adding my name he made it all seem real. I stared at him, slightly dazed. He stared back. He wasn't going to leave without some kind of answer, I realized. But then, I didn't really want him to leave anyway. Did I? 

I reached out one hand at an agonizingly slow speed, and traced the line of his cheekbone with my fingers, as though trying to touch a bubble floating in the air. The bubble didn't burst, but seemed to expand to encompass me along with him. He captured my hand neatly in his own, clasping it tightly, and drew me towards him. 

I resisted momentarily, and he immediately ceased tugging – but his gaze was unwavering. 

"Quatre," I breathed falteringly. "I don't know –" I stopped, unable to express myself adequately. He laughed gently, knowing what I meant; his eyes were still serious. 

"If you be brave for me, I'll be brave for you," he promised. 

Brave. I had to be brave and overcome my fear, overcome my fear of – 

His hands tightened around mine, quivering slightly. I could feel his own tension, feel it cutting into my heart like a knife. Did he feel that knife, too? I didn't want him to, I didn't want him to feel any pain – especially not on my behalf. 

Hesitantly, I lifted his hands and turned them over, one held in each of my own. I leant forward and kissed his palms one at a time, and was rewarded by seeing delight and relief flash through his eyes; and he smiled at me. 

My cheeks twitched, and I felt myself smiling in return. Deep inside me, a void had been filled. 

His third gift. 

Quatre had given me back my heart.   
January '99 

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[MirrorForest - http://www.geocities.com/rhionae/ ][rhionae@hotmail.com] 

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